Once upon a time, I met a sweet and handsome sailor in the United States Navy. We knew we wanted to spend our lives together. But this story doesn't have a happy fairy tale ending.
I told my Ex-Husband that it was never a question of wanting to marry him, but was a question of when and how. Sometime in early July of last year (2007) we were visiting his family, talking about getting married. Talking the way you would about your plan for next year. His Mother took over from there. She jumped on her computer and started looking up Las Vegas weddings. Before he proposed on July 27, I knew when and where I was getting married. I wasn't exactly sure what to think--I was getting married.
I should have known at this time that she was an Interfering MIL. I've now learned to keep an eye out for things like this. Sure, I was the perfect candidate for a future Daughter In-Law. But to have her take over?!
Our engagement was less than 4 months. Thanks to my future MIL I didn't have to worry about much of anything. She took care of EVERYTHING!! I was a deer in the headlights: O_O I felt like I had no control. The only thing I had control over was what I was going to wear. The dress was beautiful. I convinced myself it was easier this way, it was virtually stress-free wedding planning because I wasn't driving myself insane with every little detail. All I had to do was choose from a few things she would present to me, saying which one she liked better.
I should have used my voice. At the time I didn't realize what was happening. And I was scared to say anything against her ideas. My wedding would've been in Southern California, my guests would've been my family and friends. Because the wedding was in Vegas and on short notice, my family and friends could not make it--The guests that attended the wedding were not mine but hers.
My Husband and I had our fights and what I should have seen as a bright RED flag was that he called his Mother every time we had a fight. I felt like he was tattling on me. And she fed his behavior. Christmas was one of our worst fights and it happened in my In-Laws' home. (But that's another story.) Shortly after the Christmas fight, she hired a Private Investigator and talked to her Brother In-Law, an LA county Sheriff's Officer, to see what they could find on me.
I don't know what I could have done different in this situation. I confronted my Husband and told him how I felt about it. I asked him what he was doing to stand up for me. Christmas was the last time I saw my In-laws, I was no longer welcome to their home or anywhere near them. I wanted to apologize for our actions but I wanted to do so in person. My Husband didn't stand up for me, instead he yielded to his Mother's wishes. I was left in San Diego while he went to visit his family. I was broken on the inside and angry on the outside.
The month of April showed me exactly how interfering my MIL was. After another bad fight on Easter I was asked to leave. So, I did. When I left I decided to call my MIL, to apologize for our actions on Christmas. She simply told me: "Leave my son alone and let him get this divorce." A week later I came back determined to show him how hard I was willing to work for our marriage regardless of what his Mother thought. I stayed for a little more than a week, living like a stranger in what was my home. I knew my Husband was going to see his family over the weekend, it was a family reunion. I was preparing myself for the worst. It was good that I did. He came back on a Monday afternoon and told me on Tuesday night that he "filed for divorce yesterday." My soul was ripped out and only the shell of my body remained. I left for the last time that weekend. About 2 weeks after I left, my MIL took her son to a lawyer's office and paid for the divorce. I found out 4 months later, after the courts approved the divorce and the official date was set for October.
I learned that listening to logic over what your heart is saying is almost impossible. My heart wanted to fight for my marriage, even though the odds were stacked against me. My logic said that this was an insane situation that no one should have to endure. I was lucky enough to have my family, my family who stood by whatever decision I came to. My MIL won that fight.
My Husband started talking to me, online in July. I fought it, I didn't want to talk to him. I just wanted to get divorced, I wanted it to end. After a week of talking I realized walking away wasn't what I wanted. By August, we came to the decision to reconcile, even after I found out about my MIL filing for divorce on his behalf. I'm not sure if my MIL was aware of our decision. September came and brought with it heartache. In one night, my MIL got the upper-hand. She was less than thrilled to find out we were going to reconcile. She proceeded to threaten me and flat out lie to me. Amazingly I didn't exactly give up. I left it to my Husband, a chance to prove that he still wanted to reconcile. But October came and went with the cold fact of finalization.
I have learned there are some wars everyone must concede to. If we don't, we risk our own value, sanity, and we risk losing ourselves. I lost myself for awhile. At first I couldn't eat, I only wanted to sleep, and when I wasn't sleeping I wanted to cry. I lost weight, I gained it back, I gained even more back, and lost some again. I put myself through such heartache. But I came away from it all a stronger more cautious person. I've learned to keep an eye out for anyone who controls my decisions, it simply isn't healthy. I've learned to stay away from grown people who let their Mother control their choices, decisions, and life. I've learned I need to stand up for myself and by myself, even when I want someone there with me. Most importantly I've learned that not all mothers love unconditionally, like my Mother.
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"Birds sing after a storm. Why shouldn't people feel as free to delight in whatever sunlight remains to them?" -Rose Kennedy
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Future topics: Domestic Abuse & Mamas Boys
